Another stream of grumpy consciousness

Sometimes Grumpy Young Man spends the weekend drinking too much grumpy juice and fails to cobble his crotchety thoughts into any sort of storyline. This is one of those times.

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-I like the song Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. Well, I did like it, but then my feminist friends told me I don’t like it. They told me I don’t like it because it’s misogynistic. I said “What’s wrong with a good misoge?” They weren’t amused.

-My friends then showed me a bunch of articles detailing how Blurred Lines is misogynistic, all of them written by some chick named Jezebel. Anyway, I read them and was surprised to find Blurred Lines is in fact misogynistic. Also surprising, Alan Thicke’s son isn’t Kirk Cameron.

-I want to start a Canadian version of ZZ Top that’s pronounced Zed Zed Top. To avoid being sued by Billy Gibbons, our songs will have alternative lyrics like “Women go crazy for a guy who dresses good” and “She’s got legs and she knows how to use them. Because they’re her legs. It’s not that hard.”

-“Rolling Stone! Wanna see my picture on the cover. Stone! Gonna bomb a city with my brother.” – Misheard lyrics

-The biggest complaint about the new Rolling Stone cover is it glamorizes Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. Whatever, you’re just mad that you’re attracted to a monster.

-An actor of one race cannot play a person of another race. You just can’t do it. It’s wrong. You know what movie I’m talking about. What, The Lone Ranger? What’s that? I was talking about White Chicks. What were the Wayans brothers thinking?

-The Toronto Blue Jays demote starting pitcher Josh Johnson to Triple A to call up Carly Rae Jepsen.

-Loblaw to buy Shoppers Drug Mart for $12.4 billion. It would have been significantly less if Loblaw had an Optimum Card.

-I’ve lost so much weight on my new diet: Ramadan.

-Who’s your favourite comedy duo? Is it Penn and Teller? The Smothers Brothers? Jack and Rexella Van Impe?

-Everybody’s scared of sharks, but the scariest animal is the horse because a horse crippled Superman.

-As youngsters, my brother and I would pretend to be our favourite superheroes. He was Gambit, a character who could create, control and manipulate kinetic energy and was adept at card-throwing. Gambit would charge playing cards and throw them at his enemies. The cards would then explode with the strength of a grenade. My brother, armed with a full deck, would whip cards at me. Me? I played Thor. Thor has a hammer.

-I miss my brother.

-People use a lot of exclamation marks in emails so they won’t sound sarcastic. Because saying “Thanks!” after everything doesn’t sound sarcastic at all.

-I’m reading a book about Detroit. It ends at Chapter 9.

-Gawker ended its Rob Ford crack video campaign, saying it will donate the Crackstarter cash to four Ontario charities. Hey, that money was for drug dealers, not helping people!

-One performance at this year’s Winnipeg Fringe Theatre Festival features two naked actors engaging in mayonnaise enemas. And they say art is dead.

-If you’re performing mayo enemas, you might want to visit the Mayo Clinic.

-I could go for a sandwich.

-Folklorama faced adversity in 2010 after an E. coli breakout at its Russian Pavilion. Still, that’s nothing compared to Folklorama’s biggest fear: The Israel and Palestine pavilions book the same venue.

-The wife of Brooklyn Nets player Andrei Kirilenko allows him to cheat on her once a year. When asked about the marital arrangement, Kirilenko told the media “Yes, once a year.”

-A lot of sports broadcasters are former professional athletes. You don’t get much of that in other types of journalism, crime reporting for instance.

-A new study finds obesity may be genetic. Also, hamburgers may be hereditary.

-I feel bad for Rylee, Sunday’s SUNshine Girl. Apparently she has Cancer.

-As I’m typing this, The Big Bang Theory is on TV. I’m currently revaluating my stance on evolution.

-Canada Post recently unveiled four new stamps featuring Canadian rock n roll artists The Guess Who, Rush, The Tragically Hip and Beau Dommage. Where’s Remy Shand? No, really, where is he?

-The Simpsons will appear on an episode of Family Guy next fall. The title? “Bart Sells His Soul.”

Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.