According to my Twitter feed, the week started with Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year! SCIENCE! I got a shiny new cold for the occasion and celebrated accordingly. You know, mopping up sci-fi levels of snot. Occasionally letting out low, guttural, involuntary moans. Having a series of small nervous breakdowns because my remote wasn’t working (“I need to PVR Project Runway All-Stars AND IT ISN’T LETTING ME!”)
NyQuil is a hell of a drug. Especially in the middle of the afternoon.
ANYWAY. When you’re sick, it’s even easier than it usually is to get lost in a black hole on the Internetz. And man, did the Internet offer a lot to be depressed about! Here! Allow me to ruin your life for five minutes!
This list. Yup! The douchenozzles over at Return of Kings (snort) — a self-styled blog for “heterosexual, masculine men” who lament “sadly, yesterday’s masculinity is today’s misogyny” — have compiled a helpful list of The 9 Ugliest Feminists in America. (Subhead: ‘Would you bang?’)
This is exactly what we need! Yet ANOTHER post we didn’t ask for about how all feminists are all FAT and UGLY! Because that’s how you hurt women; by calling them out on their attractiveness — nay, their layability! And yet somehow WE’RE the entitled ones. My eyes hurt from rolling them so hard. Please. Also, I think I speak for all the ladies on the list when I say NO THANKS.
But wait, there’s more! Earlier this month, ROK posted this article, entitled Being a Misogynist Can Help You Get Laid.
There are so many gems in here, I can’t even. Let’s take a look!
“I do not advocate or condone hatred or abuse of women. Love your mother, sisters, and all your female relatives. However, be proud to be a misogynist. Reject feminism and the laughable premise that women are equal to men. Do not take silly and frivolous females seriously. They should be sheltered, protected, led, and dominated. However, do not hate them. Hatred is counter-productive to your goals.” WELL. As long as you don’t advocate or condone hatred or abuse of women…
I know. THIS IS REAL ADVICE, YOU GUYS. Let’s keep going!
“Expressing misogyny is an art. The typical Western feminist woman can only take so much sexism at once.” That’s right! I CAN only take so much sexism at once! Thanks for thinking of my needs! BTW: buy a dictionary. I believe the word you’re looking for is CHAUVINISM.
[related_content slugs=”the-horror-of-lena-dunhams-average-body,when-did-gorgeous-thin-women-who-subsist-on-junk-food-become-such-a-thing-on-tv,so-jodie-fosters-speech-eh” description=”More SCREAMING” position=”right”]
I’d be more enraged if I didn’t find this all so HILARIOUS; part of me is even clinging to the dream that Return of Kings is a brilliant satire. I know that this blog and countless others just like it are designed to troll women like me, and I know that the first rule of the Internet is Don’t Feed the Troll. But, for me, I find it can be beneficial to simply point and laugh at the trolls — especially when said trolls make it SO EASY. My hope is that we can defuse these articles so they don’t have the power to rile us up/hurt us anymore — and we can all laugh instead of cry. Or laugh to keep from crying.
Wow. I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW.
Jen Zoratti is a Spectator Tribune columnist and a freelance music scribe. Follow her on Twitter @JenZoratti where she’s probably not contagious.