Grumpy Young Man tackles game day at Investors Group Field

On June 12, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers take on the Toronto Argonauts, a monumental game for the CFL club and this city.

Not to say pre-season Canadian Football League action is monumental (it’s not, at all) but this exhibition contest is important because it’s the first football game in our city’s new, state-of-the-art Jesus-approved stadium, Investors Group Field.

[related_content slugs=”grumpy-young-man-im-not-afraid-of-death,stream-of-grumpy-consciousness,grumpy-young-man-on-beauty-and-selfies,grumpy-young-man-thoughts-iii” description=”More Grumpy Young Man” position=”right”]

That’s right, INVESTORS GROUP Field. Are you ready for some football!!!?? Also, are you considering entering the housing market? Because we can help.

Now, corporate sponsored sport facilities are nothing new, in fact, most major North American stadiums/arenas sport silly titles like Staples Center or FedExForum, but Investors Group Field strikes me as one of the stupider ones. It doesn’t exactly scream fun. “Hey, we’re having a party, should we hire a clown, a comedian or a Chartered Accountant?”

Perhaps a nickname would help. I mean, the MTS Centre is sometimes affectionately referred to as “The Phone Booth.” Investors Group Field could be “Quality Financial Advice and Products Place.” Just rolls of the tongue, doesn’t it?

To be fair, Investors Group Field isn’t the worst stadium/arena name ever. That would go to Arena in Glendale Arizona. It’s a goddamn website! That being said, Arena is one word away from being the best arena name ever. Seriously, lend Arena a “hand” and people will come from all over. And they’d come again and again.

Now, I don’t mind some corporate sports facility names. Barrie, Ont., has the Barrie Molson Centre and we all know hockey and beer go together like baseball and beer. Or football and beer. Or synchronized swimming and beer. Beer is very versatile.

Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado is another good one. Pepsi + alcohol = fun. Basically, it’s everything I like in the Barrie Molson Centre. I’m an alcoholic.

Hey, do you think when you ask for a Coke at Pepsi Center they say “Is Pepsi OK?” Pepsi, stop apologizing and just be Pepsi. We like you. You’re cool. Not as cool as Coke…or RC Cola…or PC Cola, but yeah, what were we talking about?

Oh right, perhaps I don’t like Investors Group Field, because as a KD-eating freelance writer and stand-up comedian I’m not exactly fond of financial institutions. Like it really bothers me that Scotiabank has its name on not one, but two Canadian arenas, Ottawa’s Scotiabank Place and Calgary’s Scotiabank Saddledome. Mostly this bothers me because I don’t know a single person who uses Scotiabank. I don’t know, I guess they’re richer than I think.

Also, if memory serves, buying Bombers season tickets isn’t exactly sound financial advice. Seriously, let’s rename the team the Winnipeg Blue Balls, you know, lots of hype and excitement that builds to absolutely nothing.

Here are some other things that happened in the wide world of sports:

– Canadian diver Alexandre Despatie recently announced his retirement. Despatie was the greatest diver in Canadian history…next to Mike Ribeiro.

– I love Bob Cole. The 80 year old Hockey Night in Canada play-by-play announcer always keeps things interesting, mostly by saying things that aren’t happening.

– I’m sorry, but if you work as a “storm chaser” and you die storm chasing, it’s not a tragedy. Same goes for any javelin catchers killed in the line of duty.

– I watched the Blue Jays beat the Texas Rangers in 18 innings a couple days ago. It was the longest Jays game ever. I witnessed history. And it was so boring.

– I find history is only interesting in retrospect.

– History? How about we “herstory” for once? Amirite?

– Unlike Don Cherry, I fully support female reporters in the men’s dressing room. I also fully support male reporters in the women’s dressing room. Or any reporters at all for that matter.

– Ryan Lochte wins gold medals, parties and has sex with beautiful women. What an idiot!

– Does anyone else think Blue Jays shortstop Munenori Kawasaki is kind of dick?

– As much as I support John K. Samson’s petition to induct Reggie “The Riverton Rifle” Leach into the Hockey Hall of Fame, let’s not forget Ken “Bomber” Baumgartner, Tie “The Albanian Assassin” Domi and Mike “Conspiracy to Commit Murder” Danton.

– Is anybody else’s Jets TV not working? I don’t know what the problem is. I’m going to call MTS.

– The NRA recently supported a NASCAR race. Say what you want about the NRA, they know their market.

– Racists love NASCAR. “Racist” means “racing enthusiast”, right?

– Are there any vegetarian equestrians? I don’t eat animals, I just ride them.

– I accidently went to a sports doctor. I got diagnosed with an upper body injury and concussion-like symptoms. I’m out indefinitely. You can visit Ozeri Law Firm Injury & Accident Lawyers website here to deal with legalities in case of accident.

– Mr. T had T-cell lymphoma. What are the chances? That’s like Lou Gehrig getting Lou Gehrig’s disease.

– I hope Tony Kushner writes the next Angels in the Outfield sequel: Angels in the Outfield in America: A Gay Fantasia on National League Themes.

– That last joke didn’t make any sense. The Angels are in the American League.

– I’m not pro-abortion. I just don’t think I’m good enough at it yet to turn pro.

– CBC is bringing back Battle of the Blades. Says host Ron MacLean: “Every young Canadian boy dreams of someday hoisting Josée Chouinard.”

– Nashville Predators defenceman Kevin Klein is the NHL’s stupidest player. Says Kevin Klein: “Don’t call me stupid!”

– Hockey Night in Canada personality PJ Stock in hospital after tripping over his words.

– Wayne Gretzky led the Oilers to four Stanley Cup victories, popularized hockey in America and helped lead Canada to an Olympic gold medal in 2002. Paulina Gretzky has taken some nice pictures of herself.


Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.