Grumpy Young Man was extra grumpy this week and couldn’t connect his thoughts into any sort of fluid story. Still he had thoughts (we think) so here they are:
-Why do they say “How to achieve an orgasm” or “How to help your man achieve an erection”? Are these really achievements? Is this what we’re shooting for as a society? An achievement is winning the blue ribbon for best jam at the town fair. Not “I came, where’s my medal?”
-There’s this MADD Canada commercial that’s been on for what seems like and could very well be 20 years. It’s the one where you’re looking out the windshield of a car in motion and bar glasses keep obstructing your view of the road. It’s an excellent commercial, because having ONE drink before driving is exactly like looking through A WET CUP.
-There’s another don’t drink and drive commercial, Arrive Alive, where it’s this band and they’re playing a song that goes “Call a cab, call a friend, plan ahead, do the right thing.” I don’t have to tell you that it’s the lamest song ever. It makes me want to drink and drive.
-Don’t drink and drive, but seriously, what was this band thinking? Actually, the singer looks really into it but the drummer has this look in his eyes like “I’m never going to get laid again.”
-Hey, why do car commercials always advertise speed? Last I checked, it’s illegal to go fast. All they’re saying is “This car can go fast, really fast, but it can’t, because you can’t.”
-What are you supposed to do with a fast car? Slap “Tide” on the side and take your Camry for a rip around the track?
-I think cars should just have great pickup and then stop at 100 km/h. For police cars, make the limit 105. Then when he pulls you over and asks how fast you were going, you’ll say “100” and he’ll say “good work.”
-I’m not being sexist, the officer just happened to be a man in that last thought.
-Health Canada recently announced that all tanning beds will soon include warning labels. I assume mostly just pictures of bleached blonde girls with orange skin.
-Do midgets call ukuleles guitars? I’m sorry, that’s offensive. Do little people call ukuleles guitars? Oh, the nomenclature wasn’t the problem.
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-I’ve heard of women breastfeeding their children to extremely late ages, like 10 years old. That’s weird. “But it’s a bond,” they claim. Maybe so, but if you’re a dude that was breastfed until the age of 10, you’re going to remember that. Then when you’re 16, you’re rounding first on to second, bra comes off, twist, flick, lick and you’re like “Hey, this is like that time with my mommMMM, AHHHHHH!!!” Never to achieve an erection again.
-I guess you could have the complete opposite reaction. “What? No milk! What a rip!”
-I know, I know, breasts aren’t sexual objects; we’re not hard-wired to find breasts sexy and our fascination with them is probably because they’re covered up in Western culture. I get it! You hate comedy.
-Sorry about that rant. Hey, you ever notice that when a pay phone isn’t being used, it says “Please lift the receiver.” The pay phone has fallen on hard times, resorting to begging. “Please use me. I’m nostalgic. Nobody uses me anymore but I still work. Just give me a quarter. I mean two quarters.” Greedy grovelling pay phones.
-I don’t trust sperm banks. I go through a sperm Credit Union.
-Kids are fat these days. No joke. Just a comment.
-Did you know that Mindy McCready was the fifth Celebrity Rehab contestant, I mean cast member, I mean patient, to die?
-If that last joke offended you, I’m sorry, you’re right, the best way to help someone is to exploit their problems for entertainment and mass public consumption. Dr. Drew Pinsky is a saint.
-In the spirit of Celebrity Rehab, Intervention and Dr. Phil, I’m pitching Alcoholics Anonymous: The Series.
-They got rid of the penny. This move is bringing about more change (ha!) than you think. In fact, the band Pennywise had to change their name to Nickelback.
-I’m going to miss the penny. Picking up a penny is good luck. Well, that’s what they say. Actually, come to think of it, I’ve found the more pennies you have, the worse your luck. When you see a guy at the bank cashing in his rolls of pennies the words “He’s so lucky” don’t usually come to mind.
-Still, I’m really going to miss the penny. In fact, I’m going to name my first baby Penny, in honour of the memory…of dropping them and not caring. Take a baby, leave a baby, that’s what I say.
-OK, that one was offensive.
-Hey, how about this horsemeat scandal? Seems everybody is finding horse DNA in their meat, including Burger King. I think BK should just own it and introduce a worthy rival to the Egg McMuffin: The Sea Biscuit.
-To be fair, BK’s burgers are only quarter horse. Quarter horse is a kind of horse. Get it? Ah, whatever.
-Horsemeat was also found in IKEA meatballs. Also, the IKEA monkey was found in IKEA meatballs.
-Tuna. Dolphin safe. May contain horse.
-Save a horse. Eat a cowboy.
-That’s enough horsemeat jokes. There’s no point in beating a dead… see what I did there?
– The Tea Party plans to launch a Latino outreach program, implementing the classic “Vote for us then get out” strategy.
-They’re offering bilingual Manitoban license plates that say “Bienvenue.” I want my bilingual license plate to represent my experience in French class and say “Est-que je peux aller a la toilettes.”
–Also, my bilingual license plate has a talking pineapple. Ananas!
-The best word I ever learned in French class was “pamplemousse” as in “my aunt pampled a mousse with her car and it died.” Don’t laugh! She also died.
-Iceland wants to ban Internet porn. This is bad news for Icelandic porn star Magnus Haarde, who they say is hung like a Norse.
-While we’re on the topic, let me just say that my favourite Icelandic porno is Debbie Does Dalvik.
-This is old news, but the Pope stepped down. I think the new Pope should be decided with a boxing match just because I want to hear somebody official say “rope-a-pope.”
-“Pope” probably looks pretty good on a resume.
-Here’s how I imagine the Pope in a job interview: Hiring manager: “Says here you were the leader of the Catholic Church for eight years.” Pope: “Yes, that’s right.” Hiring manager: “Do you have any references?” Pope: “God.” Hiring manager: “Hmm, do you have a phone number for God?”
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Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story.
Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.