How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope you’re well. I understand that this letter is WOEFULLY late (kind of like my column is every week!), and that you’re a busy guy at this time of year. That said, I feel I’m deserving of a few gifts. I’ve been a very good girl this year — especially under the circumstances.
I think we can agree, Santa, that 2012 was a real boob punch. Apparently we live in a society in which rape-rape is a thing (thanks for that delightful bon mot, Whoopi Goldberg) and unsmiling men gun down classrooms full of kindergartners. Yup, this past 12 months has seen its fair share of horrific bullshit. (Sorry about the language, Santa, but seeing as you know when I’m sleeping and you know when I’m awake, I’m sure you also probably know that swearing is kind of my schtick.)
So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask for a few gifts — gifts that don’t just benefit me, but everyone! EVEN MEN!
First of all — and this is a biggie — but could you maybe fashion some sort of electric shock collar that zaps politicians who are even thinking of making an uninformed comment about rape? The fact that the phrase ‘legitimate rape’ exists is pretty shameful, Santa. While you’re at it, could you maybe help these dumb dumbs understand that safe, accessible birth control and family planning is important? You know, for keeping women alive? Like I said, this is a tall order.
Speaking of keeping people alive, there has been an awful lot of mass shootings lately, big man. I’m not going to ask you to make all the guns in the world disappear — BECAUSE YOU ARE MAGIC. Instead, I just want to ask you to get people discussing the issues surrounding the Newtown tragedy in a meaningful way. These terrifying acts of violence and the people (overwhelmingly male) who commit them do not exist in a vacuum; they’re part of a society that glorifies acts of aggression — and we need to be talking about that. At the very least, maybe print out this brill piece from Shakesville and put it in everyone’s stocking: http://www.shakesville.com/
Moving on, I certainly hope Matt Lauer is on your naughty list. As you’re probably aware, he blindsided Anne Hathaway by opening an interview with the following gag-inducing one-liner about the shots of her crotch that made the front page of the Internet the other day: “Seen a lot of you lately.” GROSS, RIGHT? Now that I’m finished dry-heaving, I’ll ask that you put Anne on your nice list for dealing with that douchenozzle like a CHAMPION.
Finally, can you remind people — particularly those responsible for those Comic Sans abominations that get shared all over Facebook — that ALL women are REAL women, regardless of size, shape and presence of curves?
I also want world peace and my very own miniature unicorn, obvs. I KNOW, SO DEMANDING.
Thanks Santa. You’re the best.
Jen Zoratti is a Spectator Tribune columnist and a freelance music scribe. Follow her on Twitter @JenZoratti.