The 2013 Osborne Village Gift Guide Vol. II

In my last column, I talked about sweaters, scarves, hats, vinyl box sets, vibrators, and a delicious night out. Those are all really nice things, but I promised a part deux and so once again, the burden of telling all you no-good, late-game gift-givers falls upon these weary shoulders. I mean, all I really had to do was go for a walk, but hey, have you seen what it’s like out there?

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I absolutely lifted this from ALPH’s Instagram account.

A Little Pizza Heaven merch – Toques ($18), hats ($20), and baseball shirts ($25)

A while back, I expounded on the life-and-party-saving merits of pizza, and specifically A Little Pizza Heaven. Nothing has changed, friends. But what you might not know is that they have a bunch of clothing you can now rep, because why not let everyone know who the life of the party is? When donning the colours of A Little Pizza Heaven, life becomes a little clearer, brighter – the opposite sex can instantly smell your love of garlic (which is a turn ON, by the way), you can hit a baseball out of Shaw Park, and it’s more than likely nothing will go wrong with your night on the town. I own one of these shirts, and it is comfy as hell. Next on my list is the hat.

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“I’mma let you finish, but… *SLUUURRRPP*”… @pabstblueribbon also has a great Instagram account.

The Zoo vendor – A six-pack of tall PBR’s ($13.60… from memory, so don’t get mad if it went up 20 cents)

Another Village staple I love – the good ol’ Zoo vendor. These guys are pretty much always open, so if you end up getting stuff VERY last minute, they could be your best bet besides Mac’s or Shoppers, who don’t carry beer, and therefore would be very confused if you walked in and asked for a gift like this. Getting through all of these in one sitting can sometimes be a bit tough, so why not crack a few with your best friend? Maybe do a Christmas shotgun? A great pairing for PBR is pizza (scroll up), and maybe video games. It may not provide the way, but six deep beers can definitely provide the will if you’re looking for something fun to do once all the other stuff is over.

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I wonder what he’s thinking of.

Wild PlanetBob Marley Rasta Leaves T-shirt ($29.99)

Does one of your closest friends just LOVE relaxing? When you go to their house, are you bombarded with the scent of patchouli? Do they have any weird vases or funny cigarette butts laying around? Then they might be into this shirt. Wild Planet has tons of cool stuff for people who like music and grass, and especially people who love smoking grass while they listen to music. I’m betting you know at least one person who would love to don this garb as they sit down and listen to Legend until they just fall asleep, with dreams of a more peaceful time dancing in their head. They also sell these cool hats if you want to help them complete the look.

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Would you like to look like these people? Join Snap!

Snap Fitness – Joint Membership ($67.95/month)

This is a very sneaky way of telling your significant other they could stand to lift a couple weights once in a while. The catch is that you have to do it with them to keep up the whole “hey, we could both use some working out” thing going. I rode a bike once at this place for a really long time and it wasn’t so bad, because it’s really clean and they’re open all the time. Nobody’s perfect, but if you try really hard and spend all of your waking time attempting to improve your body, there’s a chance you could come close. Why not do it with the one person you don’t get that embarrassed around when they see you naked?

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.

All Over The NeighbourhoodLove (free, sorta)

As The Waking Eyes once said, ‘Everybody Needs Somebody at Christmas.’ The holiday season, as much as Hallmark might have you believe, is not exactly a great big bag of sunshine  – it’s freezing cold and dark outside, everyone is stressed out trying to make people happy by buying them stuff they don’t need, and if you work in an office, you can get stuck going to what seem like mandatory staff ‘parties.’ None of that stuff really matters. All of us are trying our hardest just to get by in December, but you should take some time to make sure those who are most important to you know it. What are you doing all this stuff for, anyway? If you didn’t love them, you wouldn’t be destroying your brain trying to make sure they have a great Christmas. The real answer is much simpler. Love is a verb. A verb is an action word. Go out there and love someone. That’s the only real Christmas gift that’s worth anything.

Matt Williams is a Winnipeg-based writer and musician infatuated by lady country singers. Follow him on Twitter @MattGeeWilliams

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