Grumpy Young Man: Thoughts III

Since the last edition of Grumpy Young Man, some people died.

I know, people die all the time, but these were PEOPLE, the kind of people you’d read about in People. The great Roger Ebert died. The great Jonathan Winters died. The great Margaret Thatcher died. Whoops. That should read “Great, Margaret Thatcher died.”

When people die, people get sad, rightfully so, and in the Facebook/Twitter generation that means publicly sharing your sadness. The most common way to bring everybody down is the short epitaph “Rest in peace.”

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I just can’t get behind the expression “Rest in peace.” In fact, I don’t think my soul or anyone’s soul will find peace in the afterlife. Why? Well, I don’t even believe in souls. To prove it, I would totally sell my soul to Milhouse for $5. Man, that was an awesome episode. What happened to that show?

Perhaps, I’ll go off on the sad state of The Simpsons in a future column, but let’s stay on track. Rest in peace is dumb, especially if you’re not religious/spiritual. That being said, it’s a perfectly nice sentiment, so I’ll let it slide. R.I.P. however, rest in peace’s even more utilized acronym, I just can’t stand.

R.I.P. spells “rip” and in my experience, rip is almost always bad. Rip a shirt and you’ll need a new shirt. Rip a DVD and you’re a no good pirate. Rip a fart and say goodbye to your friends. Rip a hole in the space time continuum, well, that’s just reckless.

What happens when Rip Torn or Rip Taylor die? Are you seriously going to say “RIP Rip”? RIP Rip sounds like a motorcycle. That doesn’t make any sense, mostly because I see Rip Taylor on a pink bicycle with a little basket in the front for confetti-related purposes. And Rip Torn, well, he’s too drunk to drive anything.

Anyway, this is the second Grumpy Young Man in a row that’s dealt with the unpopular topic of death so the rest of this cantankerous column will be devoted to random funny thoughts.

– Morris, Man. restaurant Pots N Hands closed its doors permanently on Saturday. Its owners – a gay couple – cited homophobia as the reason for the closure. Greek restaurateur George Ifandis, who runs George’s Burgers and Subs in town, told the Winnipeg Free Press “You don’t know what they’re doing in the kitchen.” I for one will no longer be eating at George’s now that I know they’re Greek.

– Money’s been tight for me lately. I’m thinking of getting a Costco card, not to save money, but just to live off the free food samples in the store.

– Here’s a fun thing to do: Sneak a bottle of wine and a glass into Costco, pour yourself some and go from free sample lady to free sample lady like they’re serving hors d’ouevres at a party. Say things like “Party of the year”, “Look at all the people here” and “I totally got carded at the door. So flattering.”

– I, a 28 year old balding man, recently got ID’ed at a Liquor Mart. My ID photo is a couple years old. In it, I have slightly more hair and slightly less beard. Upon handing it to the Liquor Mart lady, she exclaimed “This looks nothing like you.” Really, nothing like me. I think it looks SOMETHING like me, you know, because it is me.

– I swear, had I had my ID photo taken that very same day, but I was wearing a hat, this woman would have said “I’m sorry, I can’t sell to you. You have a hat. The man in this picture has no hat. It just doesn’t line up.”

– I drink but I don’t do drugs, unless you consider crystal meth a drug.

– The other night I had a dream where I tried cocaine for the first time. It wasn’t all that good, although I did dream a little faster.

– Even though money’s tight, I recently bought a house. Then I went to jail. Rolled doubles, got out. Life is good.

– There should be country music Zumba. We’ll call it “line dancing.”

– I tried the language-learning software Rosetta Stone, but it was all Greek to me. And you know how I feel about them Greeks.

– New York City fast food workers struck last Thursday, demanding better pay and the right to organize. As a union man, I fully support the people who kill you.

– I’m going out on a limb here and saying Jay Leno is the best Tonight Show host since Conan O’Brien.

– Vowels: A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y. Not all of the time Lynyrd Skynyrd!

– Does anybody still listen to The Cult? I’m sure they have a small, but loyal following.

– I’d give my left arm to see Def Leppard.

Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.